“Northern Chaos Gods”, Immortal is Retarded !

"Northern Chaos Gods" by Immortal.

“Northern Chaos Gods” by Immortal.

So Immortal wakes up one day, realising that they’ve completely shat on their black metal careers by releasing the abortion known as “All Shall Fall” so they figure, what the fuck, they haven’t go t much to lose… “let’s try to cram as many really fucking retarded ideas into one album as is humanly possible!” – and thus you get “Northern Chaos Gods“, a turd album so worthless that it makes “All Shall Fall” sound like “The Birth of a Cursed Elysium“.

Remember kids, Immortal ran out of riffs halfway through the “Blizzard Beasts” tour, and just barely had enough left over for the Iron Maiden ripoff “At the Heart of Winter“, so don’t expect to suddenly find any on this album. What there is, however, is a whole fucking lot of shitty, chugging mallcore. And groove – oh yes, when you’re missing riffs, you gotta go for the Pantera groove. Songs like “Grim and Dark” and “Blacker of Worlds” are the best examples of silly modern rock with dumbassed guitar work, played slowly-to-midpace with no conviction. Even “All Shall Fall” sounded better than this, it’s that bad.

Oh there’s the Norsecore angle too… yes, they really fucking play this one up – because something’s gotta come in now that all the riffs have gone. The silly shit props up in a bunch of other songs, including “Gates to Blashyrkh“, “Where Mountains Rise” and more… What’s worse than a gimmick band making a fake comeback to sell more much to stupid kids who’ve never heard “Pure Holocaust” or “Angel of Disease“? Combining two modern metal tropes that every actual metalhead hates. It’s like having yourself a nice refreshing slice of shit pizza, and washing it down with some tasty, delicious anti-freeze.

Then you’ve got the really amazing lyrics. I mean, Immortal never really had great lyrics, but at least they were never this overtly prominent in the mix where you were forced to listen to their sheer monstrosity. “North / Northern chaos gods / North / Northern chaos gods / Rage from the mighty mountainside“. Oh yeah, I’m really feeling their intelligence now. Almost beats Gorgoroth’s retarded “Hail Satan / Hail the Dark Lord in Hell” chants.

My God, this album is so fucking atrocious. It’s the equivalent of shitting on the ceiling. Sure, it’s different, and takes some effort, but in the end, it’s just shit all the same.

Listen to some Burzum or Phantom, there’s really very little else worthwhile in the modern “black metal” scene.

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