Black Metal “haters” ridicule themselves, not the genre

Browsing through the comments of my blog as I regularly do, I noticed this morning that I had received an intriguing comment to say the least.

Upon first listen, one might reckon this album to be a joke; a parody of metal with dismal production values and songwriting. The drums literally sound like trash cans being beat on over and over again, drowning out what little guitar work there is. All the songs sound exactly the same, with some negligible variations here and there, and many of them are painfully overlong. Now, there’s nothing wrong with repetition in music; many metal bands utilize this to great effect. But Phantom simply do NOT know how to write a song. There’s no catchy riffs, no atmosphere, no nothing; just the sound of trash cans for an upwards of nine minutes at a time, with nary a change in how the song unfolds. And that’s okay. I mean… if this WAS a parody, it would be excusable…

But it’s not. Antoine Grand, one of the band members of Phantom — or possibly the sole member — thinks his music to be masterfully executed, destined to go down in history as one of the greatest releases in extreme metal, even going to the lengths of publishing a BOOK to plug how great Phantom is, to say nothing of the numerous blog posts doing likewise. Here’s what he wrote about Divine Necromancy’s title track:

“The final track, which also shares its name with the album, is “Divine Necromancy”. This song is just under ten minutes long and is an absolute masterpiece of grim satanic terror. The supremely guttural vocals and the mesmerizing guitar riffs contrast with the brutal and drone-like pounding on the drums. Undoubtedly one of the best black metal songs ever made, and what is to say of the ending if not that it’s in a class of its own.”

You’re quite right, Mr. Grand; it IS in a class of its own.

Garbage.

For those who didn’t notice after reader this comment, what we have here is what most would call an exhibit A retard.

Unfortunately this type of parasite is growing more and more common as the black metal genre is growing more and more popular… which is a good thing, but it sometimes brings the whole genre to the attention of a certain class of people who due to their less than average IQ and way below average cognitive capabilities, simply cannot understand what black metal music is about.

The reality is that more and more people are coming into the black metal scene expecting to find Lady Gaga or Justin Bieber, and naturally leave disappointed. The true fans may get frustrated with all this “unwanted attention”, especially seeing the utter stupidity of the retards that come into this genre without understanding it (this the author of the above comment), but there is really no reason to get butthurt even if the genre isn’t underground anymore.

The real fans will always enjoy black metal, while the fake trendy retards will come and go as they always did. Only the magnitude of this process will change with the “commercialization” of black metal.

Getting back to our retard and his comment…

Now I admit that listening to Phantom’s Divine Necromancy, apparently the target of our commenters despair, while first getting into black metal is like attempting to learn knife juggling before knowing how to tie your shoelaces : pain will ensue.

Phantom is one of the most extreme black metal bands and, even for some black metal veterans their music is not always liked.

However, to come into black metal (any black metal really) and expect “catchyness”, “melodic choruses” and other “musical” elements reminiscent more of Justin Bieber than of the metal community shows that the author has no clue what he is dealing with.

Let’s analyze his comment :

Upon first listen, one might reckon this album to be a joke; a parody of metal with dismal production values and songwriting. The drums literally sound like trash cans being beat on over and over again, drowning out what little guitar work there is.

That is the classic criticism that mainstream idiots throw at the black metal genre.

I don’t know if our author is trying to be smart or if he merely copied the intro of a support group like “Mom’s Against Satanic Music” to prove his point.

In any case, it’s a big fail.

All the songs sound exactly the same, with some negligible variations here and there, and many of them are painfully overlong.

Again, who hasn’t heard this phrase uttered by mainstream critics who don’t understand what black metal is about ?

Now, there’s nothing wrong with repetition in music; many metal bands utilize this to great effect.

Lol, he tries to “subtly” acknowledge that his criticism is most unoriginal by referring to “many metal bands”…

Someone should tell him that Katy Perry and Papa Roach don’t exactly qualify as metal.

But Phantom simply do NOT know how to write a song. There’s no catchy riffs, no atmosphere, no nothing; just the sound of trash cans for an upwards of nine minutes at a time, with nary a change in how the song unfolds.

DAFUQ ?

He literally admits that he listened to Phantom in the hope of finding… “catchy riffs” ?

The whole purpose of black metal is that there isn’t anything catchy ! The whole purpose of this genre is to break away from modern music, which no doubt our commenter enjoys listening to, where everything is catchy, melodic and easy-listening.

If he was listening to Phantom hoping to find a Justin Bieber chorus or a Avenged Sevenfold “catchy riff” no wonder he was disappointed.

Antoine Grand, one of the band members of Phantom — or possibly the sole member — thinks his music to be masterfully executed, destined to go down in history as one of the greatest releases in extreme metal, even going to the lengths of publishing a BOOK to plug how great Phantom is, to say nothing of the numerous blog posts doing likewise.

Now this is where things really get retarded.

We exit the realms of musical imbecility and travel to those of absolute mental impairment.

The previous excerpt is so funny it’s the reason I decided to make a symbolic blog post about the comment rather than just delete it.

Noticing his own lack of knowledge about black metal while adamantly desiring to denigrate a genre he doesn’t understand beyond, his own words, “just the sound of trash cans for an upwards of nine minutes at a time”, the commenter randomly decides to include the names of people more or less related to black metal.

If the commenter was anything else than a mentally disadvantaged Jersey Shore fan-boy he would have realized than Antoine Grand is an author, not a musician !

What would take a normal person, even a non-black metal fan, more or less five seconds to do via a Google search is visibly beyond the mental capabilities of some…

Why he bring Antoine Grand, the author of Black Metal Blasphemy: A History of Third Wave Black Metal for those who wondered, into his rant about Phantom and Black Metal other than to show he “knows the big names” is beyond comprehension…

To my knowledge, Antoine Grand has only published one book about Black Metal and never mentions or shows any sign of even knowing about the band Phantom.

So there you go.

Some say a consequence of the expansion of the Interwebz, some say a result of the commercialization of black metal due to bands abandoning the underground antics and images…

In any case there is a clear trend in mainstream fanboys coming into the genre without the maturity or even the desire to truly understand what black metal is about.

If you are yourself a mainstream fanboy, here is my guide to not committing the same mistakes and not getting ridiculed like today’s commentor.

See this as a guide to choosing your musical inspirations.

If you like : catchy riffs, choruses, melodic solos… keep listening to Manowar and Linkin Park (no offense to the bands, I actually enjoy Linkin Park).

However, if you like : dark atmospheres, unconventional song structures and raw hypnotic tunes… MAYBE try listening to black metal, but make sure you have the maturity to understand what the genre is about first.

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